The victorious woman in me had to walk away from you…. I
started to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically smothered. I saw the signs for a long time but ignored
them because my love for you was stronger.
One of the best parts of being in a loving relationship is feeling sure
of your partner without having to ask for reassurance! Secure, happy,
fulfilled, and protected… but eventually those things I didn’t feel.
It started off so good between us, the magic and chemistry
was there. Walking through the park holding hands, the sweet music you would
send me to express your love for me, your unexpected I love you text messages
during the day. Our conversations were intriguing, we would talk for hours
about anything and I would leave the conversation feeling rejuvenated and ready
for more. Our sex was so explosive! Grabbing of the sheets, the sweat, and loss
of breath, the kinkiness, breaking the bed on a couple of occasions, the way
you looked at me, and doing it anywhere and at any time because we wanted each
other that much. But deep down I knew
something was amiss. I had a bad nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away but I
ignored it because I just knew you were the one for me.
After a while the REAL side of you started surfacing… You were
insecure, controlling, manipulative, angry, a user. You were a master at what
you do, buttered me up and melted me to get my guard down. I know everyone has a side to them that is
not so pleasant but you became unpleasant daily. Every day (in your eyes) was a
bad day, I tried to make you feel better, sooth you whenever you were feeling
bad but that wasn’t enough, you wanted me to do more. I’d send you flowers for
no special occasion, just because and you found a problem with that… I remember
your words well… “You must be cheating on me, if not why would you send me
flowers out the blue?” If I didn’t answer the phone right when you called there
would be an issue, if I decided to see a movie, or take a damn nap without
telling you I must be cheating. If I was proud of myself for something I
accomplished you would catch an attitude and tell me to “get off my high horse”
or “you think you’re better than me don’t you?” WOW! What the Fuck! I can’t believe that was the response I would
get! And for a split second I would feel
bad for sharing my good news and once again I would pacify you, coddle you, so
you felt better about you…. I would express to you the things that were
bothering me and you would ignore what I said or tell me I was wrong or making
things up and my feeling were not valid. I had never in my life met someone so
miserable. You could suck the life out of any living thing if you had the
opportunity, and you tried to suck the life out of me.
I would pray hard for a sign not fully realizing that all
the signs were there (right in front of my face) but it was like I was waiting
for something to actually slap me in my face… I knew what I needed to do but my
heart and head were at war with each other because I fell in love with what I
thought was really you. When I would put
my foot half way down and tell you I was done, you would find a way to again
butter me up, melt me, and I would again see the man I fell in love with and
fall right back into the trap because I wasn’t really ready to let go… so I fell
right back in love with a soul sucking, miserable individual…. and I was
allowing myself again to be emotionally abused.
Finally I really had enough, I was tired of burying my
thoughts and feelings to appease you, tired and feeling empty and half of a
woman, tired of keeping my phone at my side (at all times) so I wouldn’t miss
your call, tired of having to explain where I was and what I did, tired of not
feeling supported when things were going right in my life, tired of having to
hide my accomplishments so you wouldn’t feel inadequate, tired of the arguing, tired
of being tired. So after being with this “man” for 5 years (off and on) I broke
the chains and ended it… really fucking ended it! The shackles around my neck, hands, and feet
are now broken, I ran for my life, my health, and my sanity. I feel like a
weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I AM FREE!
I can’t put all the blame on this man though... I had a
CHOICE to walk away but I didn’t. I should have walked away a long time ago, I
should have listened to my gut but I chose not to. A person who loves you
shouldn’t purposely hurt you, they shouldn’t make you feel less than, they
shouldn’t humiliate you for their personal enjoyment. These are the things I
had to learn the hard way. The lesson
here is no one needs to come into your life to complete you…. YOU COMPLETE YOU!
You are the only one who can make yourself WHOLE. I always knew that but never realized
(until now) I wasn’t putting what I knew into action. I can tell you all this,
I don’t deserve to be treated like shit and I will NEVER put MYSELF in that
situation again because I love me first and I AM a victorious woman.
Signed and Sealed
Cathartic Virtue
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